gay christians are totally okay dog

Christmas came. I am a happy lady with a Christmas brooch that has a snowman on it. I’ve been able to be home a lot more and listen to Schumann, and compose, and write songs, and kiss Rachel, and watch the entire season of The Amazing Race in 3 days.

I have a lot of really neat stuff in the works. We’re shooting a music video in January! New merch is coming! My book is at the printers! Hopefully I have enough heads and hours in the day to murder my “to-do” lists.

The beautiful thing about being home for this extended period of time is the grounding. I’m feeling so charged with creative energy and I finally have the time to devote effort into my art. I’m trying not to take it for granted. Two nights ago, I was awake at 3am, as usual, and was overwhelmed with writing something on my piano. I played for near a half hour straight, and let God do what needed to be done. I rarely feel like that. Not that God isn’t in my presence when I’m writing, but that I am straight-up channeling some spiritual heaviness. As a vessel. I don’t claim to be one of those writers that “must be composing for God”; I compose for the sake of art, for the sake of vulnerability and human connection. God is with me regardless.

I wrote this in one fluid sitting. It’s not my best work, nor is the audio great, and it’s a lot of arpeggios, and you can hear the clicking of my fingers on the keys, and also I kept holding my breath on accident. But, it’s there if you’re curious.

I have received a couple emails about my “seemingly contradictory” relationship with God and my gayness. This is something I’ve thought a lot about. I’ve heard speculation about my lyrics in ‘Same Love’, my gayness, and perhaps I can answer some questions.

I grew up in a strict Pentecostal home. My parents would speak in tongues and were devout in prayer and we were at church 3-4 times a week. The church was known for ostracizing folks who were said to “go against God”. After a traumatic upbringing, and having my family shunned from the church because of my parent’s divorce, I was decidedly agnostic for many of my grade-school years.

A friend brought me to an Evangelical church in high school, known as Mars Hill, where I fell in love with the music and the bands that played on Sunday evening. The pastor was funny, charismatic, and made the bible seem simple. I was sad that my gay friends were going to hell, but the pastor said that I could still be friends with them. “Love the sinner, hate the sin” was the accepted rhetoric. When I fell in love with my first girlfriend, I recognized my sin immediately. She was also Christian. When you’re 17, and you feel like a freak already, and you’re in love with a girl, and high school is a battlefield, you can’t stand to let another part of your life down. I remember making a conscious effort to accept my sin. My recognition allowed me to repent daily. I prayed often, apologizing to God, but accepting that this is who I had always been and always would be. I still went to Mars Hill. I was never hated on, never felt rudeness from the community, but the sermons were difficult to hear.

The final line in ‘Same Love’ is “I’m not crying on Sundays”. I cried every Sunday for nearly a year in high school and afterwards. In apology to God, with guilt, with shame. I was out and proud to the world, but I had been battling Christian rhetoric inside of me for a long time. After suffering with my diagnosed bipolarity for awhile, a suicide attempt, and the war within my head and heart, something had to change.

I don’t know when it happened. I think it was when I opened the bible. Like really, really tried to read it; read Jesus’ teachings of compassion and selflessness, the beauty of the new testament. Maybe it was when I watched the documentary, “For the Bible Tells Me So”. Maybe it was when I stopped attending Mars Hill, and started going to Compline service at St. Mark’s Cathedral. But I think it really happened in prayer. Suddenly, the bible texts used against gay marriage seemed really wretched. That, when in context, were ludicrous and far-reaching. And mean! Using the bible as a tool to be self-righteous and deprave others of rights is mean. That’s sneaky bullying, you guys.

I’m also not trying to coerce anyone to Christianity, here. I think everyone has their own journey to God, and if they don’t believe in God, that’s totally cool too. I am happy for everyone that has found happiness. This is my experience, and maybe some of yours, too.

I still value my faith. My partner, Rachel, is also Christian. Now that we have equal rights as our peers, we will someday get married in a church with our friends and families there, under God, and have one bombass party.

there will be an open bar. and a bouncy castle.

there will be an open bar. and a bouncy castle.

xoxo
m

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33 Responses to gay christians are totally okay dog

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  11. kachi says:

    The truth is,there is no such thing as being a gay christian.is either u are for God,or u are for the world.it was because of this same gay act that God destroyed sodom and gomorrah.God is love,but he is also a consuming fire,he does not condone sin.please think about it.am also sorry for ur rough child hood truma’s.remember that God loves u,and u are still welcome to repent,do it before it is too late!

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  15. Omega 3 says:

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  17. Genese says:

    Thank you so much for sharing with us about your faith. I am a gay christian too. It is really great to hear someone else’s story. I think that life is a journey, and we must all figure out what we think about spirituality at some point.

    I came from a very religious family, and went through a very similar process of reconciling my faith to my identity as a lesbian. Even though it was a difficult journey to take, I always felt like God was with me. In fact, I have always felt God’s love, every moment. It is the people who claim to follow God, who have been the hardest to deal with.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks so much for sharing. I LOVE YOUR MUSIC! You are blowin’ up, girl!! And we are all so proud of you!

  18. Thanks for sharing your story. There is no biblical foundation whatsoever for the notion that being gay is a sin. I’m sorry for all the bad experiences that you had in the past, and I’m so glad that you were still able to find God’s love through all of it. God loves everybody. Period, the end. But, you knew that already.

  19. I’m impressed, I must say. Seldom do I come across a blog that’s
    both equally educative and engaging, and without a doubt, you’ve hit the nail on the head. The problem is something too few people are speaking intelligently about. Now i’m very happy that I found this in my hunt for something relating to this.

  20. Ross Brown says:

    As a long time and committed Catholic, I want to thank you, both for your words on your story and the beauty in your spirit. I cannot stand the weaponization of the Bible for narrow ends that directly contradict Christ’s sole commandment to us to ‘love one another’.

    All the crap in Exodus through Leviticus that evangalidiots bring up was explain in Ezekiel when God tells Zeke that he gave unjust laws to the children of Abraham as punishment for the worshiping of the golden calf and for their disobedience to the commandments.

    Makes as much sense as assuming the sorting hat is really voldemort based on the first chapter. Just stupid.

    Any, you are beautiful, you move me to tears and connect me to Christ, thank you,

  21. Goldie says:

    So… basically your parents f*cked you up/indoctrinated you to the point that you’re incapable of establishing a relationship with God outside of Christianity without feeling like you’re doing something wrong.

    Yes, everyone’s path to God is different. But there’s something inherently screwed up about choosing Christianity as your path. Way more problematic things within the Bible (and the religion as a whole) than the gay issue.

    But as long as you have equal rights now, I guess it’s ok to ignore the rest.

  22. Cody H says:

    Let me first say that it is SO refreshing to hear people in our society actually try to seek out God. It seems to me that instead of people either believing in God or not believing in God it has become more of an “I just don’t care” attitude. So the fact that you have been seeking out the Lord and really trying to figure out what it is that you believe is AWESOME! Way to go.

    With that being said I don’t exactly agree with your view on a few things (I would love to just dialogue about this! I don’t mean to come across as hypocritical or judgmental in any way so hopefully you don’t get offended by my statements and questions. My goal is just to seek Truth!) I think that the Bible explicitly shows that homosexuality is a sinful act. I also believe that my struggle of pride is also explicitly laid out in the Bible to be sinful (in fact, I believe it’s talked about way more than homosexuality!). And I believe that God sees as all sin as equal (I believe that we as Christians are the ones who take these verses and turn them into “ludicrous and far-reaching… And mean!” And you are totally right… “Using the bible as a tool to be self-righteous and deprave others of rights is mean. That’s sneaky bullying, you guys.” Could not agree with you more! I think there’s a fine line between standing up for what is ultimately right by God and using the Bible as a means to fulfill our own evil biases.

    I think the trick is… and it’s hard to do when the Devil fills our mind with negative thoughts and makes us feel alone and dirty and ashamed… to be honest with ourselves and realize that we are all sinners, that we all have certain sin that we deal with, and that we may never cease to struggle with those certain sins that seem to be so much harder than others. The AMAZING thing is that the Creator of the universe, the Alpha and Omega, our PERSONAL Savior, is standing in front of us with open arms. No matter how we sinful beings portray Him. He is absolutely jealous for our love. He will love us 100% ALL of the time. There is NOTHING we can do to escape His love. He fully loves each and every single one of us the same yesterday, the same today, and the same tomorrow. What an awesome truth! Can I get an “amen?!” Haha

  23. Justine says:

    Thank you. This is the first post of yours I’ve ever read. the first time of coming to your website. And I’m thankful for you. I’m not gay but I’m bipolar and love God and love all of my beautiful gay friends. And I’m just… sitting here thankful. Thankful for the voice that God gave you- for the vessel you are. And for the voice He gave me and the vessel I am, I always forget about it. I’m just- overcome with awe.

  24. Your vocals on Same Love are so beautiful – I dig. I had a really similar upbringing and a traumatic exit from a super Pentecostal church as well, and ever since I’ve been trying to work it out. What do you do with the parts of the bible that speak about homosexuality? Is that part of it just something you don’t accept? This is pure searching on my part, so I hope it doesn’t come across as me trying to question you :) Anyways, wish I lived near Seattle so I could hear more of your voice live!

  25. Joe Laurence says:

    Hi, I was born into a pentecostal family as well, and believe in god and jesus myself. But have always known that I am gay. today on the way home i was literally crying out loud, asking god why. i opened my laptop and searched ‘same love’, which i heard on the radio the other day, where it came up with your website. thank you for sharing this, it really helped me knowing someone has had and come through the exact same experience. be safe, and keep making music.

  26. Brave. Amazing. Inspiring. So glad I decided to check your blog today! It is so great for you to spend time in the comfort of your home. Always remember how this time felt so you can tune to it when your on the road; becoming famous! Hope to see you in Rochester!

  27. kr says:

    im super touched that you are so rad about your faith and your love. i can’t be more eloquent because im about to cry. thanks hon. can’t wait to share this. xo

  28. Mary, I enjoyed your post…you should check out http://www.gaychristian.net….they are having the Gay Christian Conference in Phoenix, AZ next weekend and this will be my second time going. I’m even presenting a workshop on pilgrimage walks! It’s a great group of people and there are quite a few active members in Seattle, if you ever wanted to meet up with them.

  29. I love this post Mary. And I think that your soul is beautiful. And I think that your story helps a LOT of people. Thank you for sharing this. Seriously. I think that all of our paths to finding truth, and more importantly seeking truth, can be hard as hell, and the differences are all not only valid, but important. I love you Mary. And in my eyes, so does any god that could ever exist as such.

  30. Shaun S. says:

    This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. Your vulnerability has often gotten me in “Same Love”. Beautiful work in that song. The line “my love, she keeps me warm.”, warms my heart everytime. Thank you.

  31. Stephanie says:

    <3, my God loves everyone..I'm straight, but I truly believe that love is love no matter what..I too am a Christian…and sometimes I cringe at human interpretation of divine teaching..

  32. M says:

    I am joyful in knowing that despite traumatizing experiences, corruption, and the lack of love– one can still be so drawn to the heart of God. In circumstances where people would understand the dwindling of faith, a person’s conviction shows the beautiful and enduring mystery of faith. You are wonderful!

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