Hey my beautiful babes,

I’ve been glued to twitter for the last 12 hours. This Boston stuff is crazy scary. My thoughts and prayers are with you Watertown, MIT, Boston. <3 <3 <3

I just want to write poems and songs for the whole world and stop anger and hatred.

In other news, the fire alarm in my building went off the other night, and the fire department came and everyone was in their pajamas and a little frightened. But it turned out it was burnt popcorn. I know, riveting story, Mary.

I need a real camera. Or a photographer.

For the real reason of this post: I GOT NEW T-SHIRTS! WHAM! BAM!
Black v-necks that make your boobs look great, and are comfy and good for hugging. Not good for cat hair. Crew shirts for the dudes that want to wear an umbrella with a heart inside of it. C’mon, add it to your wardrobe and then your girlfriend can steal it and cry in it. BUY THEM HERE.

And, of course, there are new shows announced for Vancouver (WITH LEMOLO), Seattle, Portland, New York City, and Bellingham on the shows tab. You better be there or I’m going to hold a grudge against you like I did with my 3rd grade teacher for telling me my stuffed animal, “Bear-nard” was not an acceptable show-and-tell item.

xoxox
M

Also New Zealand PASSED MARRIAGE EQUALITY!! Yay New Zealand. I gotta plan my trip.

$12 bucks boo.
May 21st.

Also, NYC and Bellingham, I’m coming to you.

<3 <3 <3 <3

xoxo

M

Vancouver, B.C. COME CRY WITH ME
ELECTRIC OWL
April 28th, $8 pre-sale/$12 dos
19+
WITH LEMOLO
EVENT PAGE
PRE-SALE TICKETS

PORTLAND, OREGON COME CRY WITH ME
BACKSPACE
May 7th, 9pm, $7
ALL AGES, bar w/ID
with Bike Thief
EVENT PAGE
PRE-SALE TICKETS

Seattle, WA
TOWN HALL
April 9th, 7pm
Hedgebrook Rising with Carolyn Forche, Karen Finney-Frock

Bellingham, WA
VILLAGE BOOKS
April 26th
with Rose McAleese

Seattle, WA
MEANDERS KITCHEN
April 27th
Benefit for Camp Ten Trees & Queer Rock Camp

Vancouver, B.C.
ELECTRIC OWL
April 28th

Portland, OR
BACKSPACE
May 7th, 9pm
with Bike Thief
PRE-SALE TICKETS

Seattle, WA
FREMONT ABBEY
May 14th, 8pm
The Round, with Daniel Blue (Motopony), River Giant, Karen Finney-Frock

Bellingham, WA
WWU, UNDERGROUND COFFEEHOUSE
May 15th, 9pm, FREE
with Whitney Ballen and The Intimates

New York City, NY
SUB CULTURE
May 21st, doors @6:30pm, $15 presale/$18 doors
PRE-SALE TICKETS

Seattle, WA
THE CROCODILE
May 23rd, doors @7:00pm, $10 presale/$15 doors
with The Cellar Door
PRE-SALE TICKETS

George, WA
SASQUATCH FESTIVAL
May 24th
performing ‘Same Love’ with Macklemore

Des Moines, WA
HIGHLINE COMMUNITY COLLEGE
October 31st, 12:00pm

Hey my babes,

Put that pink and red equality sign on your shit. The bacon one is cool too. Tell your friends why it’s important. Tell the fundamentalists to suck it, because they haven’t read the bible. Pray. Pray. Hug people. Pray some more. Sign petitions. Be an ally. If you’re gay, come out. Something like 20 percent of Americans claim that they don’t know a gay person. The more vocal our community is, the stronger we are.

<3 <3

On an unrelated topic, new shows are going to be announced this weekend! I went to SXSW and it was the most stressful week of my entire life. I think I forgot to shower for 4 days. Don’t worry, I didn’t get white people dreads. I’m grateful for the opportunities I have, totally. But my SXSW showcase was probably the worst performance I’ve ever had. I’m telling you this because I trust you, my babes. Thankfully, I redeemed myself at a beautiful charity event for Arts Corps, a non-profit for arts education. They help the poetry organization that saved my life when I was 18, Seattle Youth Speaks. I gave a speech! A real one! I only almost cried 4 times. There were hella generous people there and they gave Arts Corps something like 180,000 dollars. That’s bananas in pajamas.

Can’t wait to see you: Portland, Vancouver, Bellingham, and New York!! Venues, dates, and line-ups will be announced soonsies. As always, I appreciate every ounce of your support. Thanks guys, you’re the best.

Here’s a picture of me in the 3rd grade.

I wish I still had that dress. And those bangs!

xoxox

M

Wowie Zowie, my babes. Where do I start??

I am only slightly embarrassed to say that I cried while eating a cupcake. To be fair, there was a Hallmark commercial on TV at the same time.

The Northeastern/Canadian Good Feelings Tour was AMAZING. Washington D.C. gave us so much love. We ate Sprinkles Cupcakes, went to the zoo, and had amazing food. A woman drove her kids an hour to see our show. On a school night!
Thanks, cool mom in D.C.

Rochester proved to be one of the most rewarding shows we’ve done. The amazing Poetry & Pie Night held by the insanely talented and generous Rachel McKibbens (who is one of MY favorite writers on planet earth in the universe, forever, amen) was otherworldly. We cried with you. Hard.
Ottawa and Montreal were a total blast. Montreal is hella French, and I was able to embarrass myself and Rose with my sloppy high school French at every opportunity available. Totally worth it.
We finished the tour off in Burlington, Vermont where I was blown away. We hadn’t done a ton of promotion in Vermont, and couldn’t believe that the entire place was packed.
Actually, we’re proud to say that every Northeastern venue WAS AT CAPACITY.
WHAT IN THE WHAT.

After being home for 9 hours, I promptly left Seattle for a songwriting retreat at Hedgebrook, on Whidbey Island. I am so humbled to be sharing meals, friendships, and talks by the fire with Victoria Legrand of Beach House, TheeSatisfaction,

Dear TheeSatisfaction, shut up with how cool you guys are.

Angel Olsen, and Choklate. I have a little cottage in the woods with my piano, french press coffee, birds, fresh air, hiking trails, and a clawfoot bathtub for A WEEK. It’s kind of like the hippie female illuminati, except there’s nothing evil and we don’t have a zillion dollars. I keep pretending I’m Laura Ingalls Wilder, mostly because I get to make a badass fire every morning. I’m so good at making fires you guys! I’m kicking fire’s ass right now! I will be sad to leave, but I am excited for…

SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST!!! YAY!!!! It’s been a dream of mine to play this iconic festival since I was a wee babe. I have a whole roster of shows for this Spring and Summer and they should be released within the coming weeks.

MUSIC VIDEO!!!! The video for “Forget Me” debuts in the next week!! It’s hella sad, and I am sad in it, but mostly because I didn’t sleep for 72 hours while we were filming. It will be released soon, and when it does, you have to post that shit all over everything, ok? Send it to your third grade teacher, even. She’ll be all, “Oh, Carlton, this video is hella sad, but thank you because Mary Lambert is pretty and now I’m going to give her my pet monkey and my life savings.” Then I can make more sad videos and have a monkey. Also, Carlton? You should change your name.

Stay beautiful, my babes.
xoxo
M

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

Seattle, Boston, New York, Toronto: all shows were AT CAPACITY. FOR FUCKING REAL.
What in the hell. I had to order more books for the other shows. I can’t thank you guys enough for coming to the shows, supporting me and the beautiful Rose McAleese, buying our merch, but most of all, sharing your stories with me.

We got our nails done. Well, I got my toesies. Rose discovered shellac, which has changed her life.

I don’t know how many times I’ve cried at these shows. I am overwhelmed; my heart is so big for you guys. To hear that women have reached out for treatment for their sexual abuse, for their eating disorders, to hear that both men and women have begun loving their bodies, have come out to their families– it’s like one massive cry in my hotel room, y’all.

Me, improved with swag and A CHAIN.

New York was so lovely. After my mixed experiences on the Macklemore tour concerning New York City, I was apprehensive, but holy hell. Rose and I had an amazing time.

I discovered TopShop, which (of course) didn’t carry pants big enough to embrace all of my awesome booty (their loss), but they had some bangin’ shoes and jewelry. Which brings me to my next topic: I GOT A CHAIN, courtesy of Rose. Which also begs me to say to my curvy sisters- motherfucking TORRID. I have been shopping there for 4 years, and it has changed my life. I almost don’t shop anywhere else, besides thrift store finds, of course. Just wanted to throw that out there.

One of our routes! It’s a bow-tie!

Rose McAleese and I are currently somewhat snowed-in in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. We were almost snowed-in at the border from Toronto, but escaped it early this morning. We’re on our way to Washington D.C., where we have hella shows. 3 to be exact. So if you live in D.C., you gotta come, ok?

The one good thing about being in Harrisburg, PA, is that it’s right next to Hershey, PA, WHERE THE HERSHEY FACTORY IS LOCATED OMG. Needless to say, we’re taking a little detour tomorrow. I’ll be calling my dentist in advance.

As seen in Pennsylvania. WHERE DO I SIGN UP??

Last thing:
My book is now available online!!!
 Whaaaaaaaa?! I’m working on the kindle thing. That’ll be later, okay, my boos?

These are our last shows on the tour:

Shirlington, VA-
Monday February 4, 8- 10 pm
Busboys and Poets Shirlington
251 Campbell Avenue Arlington, VA 22206
Free

Washington, DC
2/5/2013, 9- 11 pm
Busboys and Poets 14th & V
2021 14th St NW, Washington, DC 20009
Free  

Busboys and Poets 5th & K
2/6/2013  9- 11 pm
1025 15th St NW, Washington, DC 20001
Free

Rochester, NY
2/9/2013
House Show!
(Contact poetryandpienight@gmail.com for address and details)

Ottawa, ON
2/12/2013
The Rainbow Bistro
9:30/ $5

Montreal, QC
2/14/2013
Le Cagibi
8:30/ $5

Burlington, VT
2/16/2013
Radio Bean
7:00/ FREE

xoxo,
M

Ok. Let me preface all of everything ever:
’500 tips for fat girls’ is not an advice book. It is a collection of poetry surrounding body image, rape, and relationships. There are no actual tips. The title poem, is a jabbing list poem that comments on misogyny, self-hatred, and media pressures. This is an inner dialogue of tragic thoughts that I’ve had and curvy women often have.

MY BOOK AHHHHHHHH

“always turn the light off before fucking
always lie on your stomach, always be on a diet,
always be generous, always smile,
don’t be a bitch- don’t be a fat bitch”

I can’t speak for all big girls, and I don’t want to try. To me, most curvy women end up having to navigate themselves through a frustrating process to find self-love. I think that navigation to self-love is universal. This book is a collection of poetry exploring that.
Let me be totally real with you here: this book is so goddamn honest that it terrifies me in a really great way. I believe in the power of vulnerability. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we have the most beautiful opportunity to find human connection, to see humanity in it’s greatest light.

All of that said, I WROTE A FUCKING BOOK, and I am so damn proud of it. It is writing from the last 5 years, and took me 2 years to compile, edit, re-edit, and re-re-edit the manuscript. The books are only available at shows. For now. We’re working on getting it in my merch store, and it will be available internationally very soon!

snapshot from the music video. can you tell it’s gonna be real uplifting?

Other great news, I DID A FUCKING MUSIC VIDEO. Can’t wait till you see it.

Also, I’M ON A FUCKING TOUR, infamously known as The Good Feelings Tour performing both my songs and poems and I have to pinch myself about how cool this is. Especially that I’m touring with my BFF, Rose McAleese, who’s got talent up the wazoo. Lastly, I miss this babe:

shut up with how attractive you are

Ahem. Pardon me, I forgot my name and my face got dumb for a minute.

Our first two shows (Seattle and Boston) both reached capacity. that’s insane. Thank you for supporting us and coming to the shows!!

There are still dates left on the East Coast and Canada- so take a looksie if you haven’t yet. West Coast tour is in the works, so please don’t cry yourself to sleep, ok?

Worcester, MA 1/25/2013 Old Oak Smithy

This is how I get ready for shows. By powdering my nose hella.

New York, NY 1/27/2013 Bluestockings

Toronto, ON 1/31/2013 The Boat

Arlington, VA 2/4/2013 Busboys and Poets

Washington, D.C 2/5/2013 & 2/6/2013 Busboys and Poets

Rochester, NY 2/9/2013 House Show

Ottawa, ON 2/12/2013 The Rainbow Bistro

Montreal, QC 2/14/2013 Le Cagibi

Burlington, VT 2/16/2013 Radio Bean

Cover art of the book is done by Crystal Barbre. The music video is done by Samantha Soo. The last photo is from a set by Zoe Rain.