Hey all my babes!
I’m at it again. Making sad songs and singing them and recording them and sharing them and crossing
my fingers and toes and eyes that you’ll like them. Just kidding about my eyes. I have sensitive sockets.
This is a video of me singing ‘Sarasvati’ off the “Welcome to the Age of My Body” EP that I released a couple weeks ago. I wrote this song when I was 19, and it was close to the time I attempted suicide. I was in a very dark place.
For a long time, I think I had an obsession with the glory of my own death. Ok, this sounds weird now that I have written it down. But it’s true. I couldn’t even tell you my thinking behind this. All I knew is that I had a weird obsession with death. If anything, it has helped me to feel more prepared about when the time comes for me to die. Not only will I plan the funeral that I want to have, but if I decide to buy senior life insurance, I will know that most of these expenses will be covered for me and this helps me to feel a bit better, especially if I have a family that needs looking after, financially and so forth. So yes. You could say that I have an obsession with death, but maybe it’s for the better. I wrote this as sort of a love song to death that also contains the sentiment of being sickly co-dependent within a relationship– in a way that you would allow yourself to totally self-destruct for another person. I don’t recommend listening to this for light background music with your mee-maw, but maybe if your grandmother is hard of hearing and likes a lot of chord changes, then go nuts for cowboy butts and take it to grams and gramps house for an after-pie listening party! Truthfully, my hope is that rather than seeing this as a sad song, you might see it as an exploration of vulnerability.
I was hesitant to put this song on the EP simply because it is so dark, and I never want to “bum anyone out”. I’M A BLAST! I’m like a kitten playing with yarn in a basket you guys!
But part of being a vulnerable artist/babely babe means that I believe in equally sharing both my joys and my darkness with you.
It’s important to me that my audience understands that my story involves sadness. I think it’s okay to be honest with ourselves and say “Yes. I have thought about suicide. I have been in a dark place.” You’re not crazy for it, you know? None of us are. The really neat thing I learned through all of this is that my capacity for joy and love has exponentially grown since I wrote this song, and I think partially it’s because of the openness itself. It should also be said, IT’S SUPER AWESOME IF YOU’VE NEVER HAD SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. I think that’s incredible, and I give you metaphysical hugs and release red balloons in your honor! And I also kiss a baby’s forehead!
I’ve got so many neat things coming up that I’m busting at the seams to tell you about (EXAMPLE: WORKING ON MY FIRST FULL-LENGTH ALBUM MAYBE), but I’ve been studying the element of surprise from winding up jack-in-the-boxes, and judging by my heart rate, I’m almost positive you’ll love what’s coming especially without anymore hints.
I love all of you. So much. You who are hurting or healing or celebrating or having great sex or making a pizza or trying to remember to love yourself or feeling alone or maybe feeling nothing at all: YOU ARE SO LOVED OVER HERE. I’m high-fiving all of you for having such a divine human experience, whether it feels shitty right now or not. I implore you to be present in your grief and be just as present in your joy.